This is Hysterical … I took a minute to read a few columns and this one absolutely cracked me up. Enjoy:
Vlad, You’ve Got Mail
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
From President George W. Bush:
Beijing is weird. First of all, you can’t breathe the air.
Second, how ’bout those drummers? Sure, they’re perfect, but that’s the
point. A billion Chinese see 2,000 drummers in sync and say, “Well
done, my little emperor son.” I see 2,000 drummers all moving with one
motion and I’m thinking: “Whoa.” Can anybody say MIL-I-TAR-Y PRE-CI-SION?
Hey, which reminds me. What’s up with Georgia? This is not
good, Vlad. You and I have had our moments. And, OK, fine, your dog’s
bigger than mine. A lot bigger. Stronger and faster, too. We got it.
But you can’t just go invading democratically elected countries that
are U.S. allies. You can’t have everything, Vlad. If you don’t stop,
I’m going to have to do something and you know I don’t want that. What
I want is for you to not make me look like a fool.
Look, Vlad. Seven years ago, it was you and me in Crawford. We
had a blast. You loved my truck! We bonded. I went out on a very big
limb and told the whole dadgum world that we were soul mates. “I looked
the man in the eye,” I said. “I found him to be very straightforward
and trustworthy,” I said. Oh, yeah, and, “We had a very good dialogue.
I was able to get a sense of his soul.”
Trustworthy, Vlad. Got soul? Why not just hire the Goodyear
Blimp and paint “Mission Accomplished” on the side? Here’s the deal,
Vlad. I love ya, man. But you gotta stop this. If you don’t call a
cease-fire and leave those Georgians alone, I’m going to have to whomp
you upside the head. Just kiddin.’ But you know how this looks. Your
invasion of a sovereign neighboring state is unacceptable in the 21st
century — blahblahblah — and you’re hurting Russia’s standing in the
world, not to mention our relationship.
Oh, and by the way. We’re talking 4 million people here. Four
million, Vlad. You wanna let the big dog eat? Fine. Pick on somebody
your own size. And yes, your pecs are bigger than mine. Whatever. Hey,
gotta split. It’s Kobe time. Take care and give my love to that cute
little gymnast of yours.
P.S. Did you catch the American women’s beach volleyball team?
From Sen. Barack Obama:
Dear (Former) President Putin:
I’m sorry to be writing this e-mail instead of meeting you in
person, preferably in the Oval Office, where I belong. Soon, soon.
Nevertheless, and notwithstanding the foregoing, I felt it
imperative that I express my deep concern about Russia’s invasion of
the tiny, democratically elected sovereign nation of Georgia. It would
appear that you are not familiar with my platform for change and hope.
War does not fit into this template and I am quite frankly at a loss
for words to express my deep, deep distress.
As the chosen leader of a new generation of Americans who
speak a global language of peace, hope, harmony and change, this is
simply unacceptable. Quite frankly, your actions pose potentially
severe, long-term consequences. I’m not sure what those might be, but
they won’t be nice or fun.
Please picture me looking very serious when I say that I
respectfully request you to calm down. Life is but a flicker in time
and we’re but actors strutting and fretting. That is to say, we’re all
on this planetary journey together and our karma is interrelated and
interdependent. Thus, it would seem that our differences are best
resolved through words, not bombs.
It is said that war is a failure of diplomacy. I would submit
that it is also counterintuitive. If my Kenyan father and my Kansan
mother and my multinational upbringing taught me anything, it is that
we are all One. That said, I am The One the world has been waiting for
— and you are, quite frankly, blocking my chi.
As soon as possible, I’d like to sit down and begin talking
about how we can resolve these and other differences that threaten
peace-loving people, which I’m sure includes you. I haven’t looked into
your eyes and would never presume to know your soul, but I do know that
we share a common humanity and that we can all just get along.
Yours in Global Harmony,
Acting President Barack Obama
From Sen. John McCain:
Don’t make me come over there.
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