Probably many of you have received the following in your own email boxes, but for those who haven’t, enjoy:


WOULDN’T  IT  BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?


My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of Iraq regime has been completed.


Since  Congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our mission in Iraq is now complete.


This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of  all American forces from Iraq.  This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now to begin the  reckoning.


Before me, I  have two lists. One list contains the names of  countries which have stood by  our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United  Kingdom, Spain, Bulgaria,  Australia, and   Poland are some of the countries listed there.


The other list contains everyone not on the first  list. Most of the world’s  nations are on that list. My press secretary will be distributing copies of  both lists later this evening.


Let me start by saying that effective immediately,  foreign aid to those nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely.  The money saved during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs  of the Iraqi war.


The  American people are no longer going to pour money into third world Hell-holes  and watch those government leaders grow fat on  corruption.


Need help  with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.


In  the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money toward  solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that note, a word  to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we will hunt you down and  eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.


Thirsting  for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France,  or maybe China.


To  Israel and the Palestinian Authority Yo, boys. Work out a peace deal now. Just note  that Camp  David   is closed. Maybe all of you can go to  Russia for negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too. I am  ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with  France,  Germany, and  Russia.  Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are retiring from NATO as well. Bon  chance, mes amis.


I have  instructed the Mayor of New York City   to begin towing the  many UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan   with more  than two unpaid parking tickets to sites where those vehicles will be  stripped, shredded and crushed. I don’t care about whatever treaty pertains to  this. You creeps have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets  tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and limos be turned over to some of  the finest chop shops in the world. I love New  York.


A special note  to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely to be seeing a lot more of each other, you  folks might want to try not pissing us off for a change.


Mexico   is  also on List 2. President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an  attitude adjustment I will have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions  sitting around. Guess where I am going to put em? Yep, border security. So  start doing something with your oil.


Oh, by  the way, the United States   is abrogating the NAFTA treaty – starting now.


We are tired of the one-way highway.


It is time for  America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens. Some will accuse us of  isolationism. I answer them by saying, “darn  tootin.”


Nearly a century  of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying enmity of just  about everyone on the planet. It is time to eliminate hunger in  America.  It is time to eliminate homelessness in America.  It is time to eliminate World Cup Soccer from America.  To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you and we  won’t forget.



God bless America. Thank  you and good night.


If  you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in  English, thank a  soldier.

8 thoughts on “

  1. I wouldn’t. Too liberal. Sounds like a big increase in domestic social programs that are the reason America is so screwed up. “It is time to eliminate hunger in America. It is time to eliminate homelessness in America.” That would require massive social engineering, higher taxes and coercive laws. Those two sentences strike fear in my heart. I would much rather have a foreigner-friendly, tax cutter than a xenophobic socialist. In fact, Hitler could have made this speech, what with the emphasis on the military, the extreme nationalism, the massive social programs and promised utopia of peace and prosperity. It is also massively anti-free trade. “Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty – starting now.” Basically, following this policy would destroy any US industry dependent on exports. And, of course, consumers would lose out because imports would become much more expensive. Walmart would be devistated, the largest US employer. No more Japanese electronics, foreign cars, etc. They’d all be victims of the trade war that would be sparked from these actions. Support of foreign democracies is critical. Look at what is happening in Lebanon, Ukraine and even Egypt. Isolationism led to WWI and WWII. We are part of the world and we can be a force for good. Also, Israel is one of our closest allies. It is the only democracy in the Mideast (well now there are Afghanistan and Iraq), with the only free press, etc. Plus, without us, it would probably go nuclear. And any war in the mideast would cripple our economy because of our dependence on oil. Any president who gave this speech would destroy our economy and imperil our security. And for what? .16% of our GDP goes to foreign aid. That’s about 19 billion dollars. This is far short of the cost of the war, and we would still be giving aid to Poland, South Korea, etc. Plus, can we really fault Uganda for not sending troops? Yet it is in our national interest that Uganda be peaceful and prosperous. The social services portion of the budget is about 40 times the amount of our foreign aid. Alienating ourselves from the rest of the world and spending more money at home is a recipe for disaster.

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  2. Well, *that* certainly would give Solana the opening he needs to unite the world in a new organized order, now wouldn’t it?  It wouldn’t be smart at all… although many points could be moved forward with my blessing (border patrol, leaving NATO, towing UN vehicles…)
    Still, overall it’s a terrible speech, and it would result in more problems in the long run that anyone would want to imagine in its entirety…

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